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          I was ashamed of my conscience, even while the act carried on. It was different this time. Another one-night stand is what it should have gone by as, but the innocence there was so prevalent that I had a hard time adjusting. Not her innocence, but mine. My sweet, unabashed nature was soiled by this large and burly woman who just came into my apartment and completely dominated me. Before, having casual encounters wasn’t such a big deal, nor should it have been for me, but she did something different. When her large and sausage-shaped fingers wrapped around my back as she enveloped me with the large support beams that she liked to call her arms, I knew I was in for it. And now, I had to tell her that she needed to leave, but how? How was I going to tell this woman who just completely emasculated me that she was no longer welcome? I felt like a battered abuse victim ready to finally say goodbye to her dickhead boyfriend. ‘Enough is enough!’ I’d say. But wait! She’s rolling around.

              I got way too scared at just the sight of her rolling around, thinking she would wake up, so the answer was clear…I couldn’t be there when she woke up. She may be in my apartment, in my clothes, and in my sheets, but I needed to find a way to get her out of there without doing any damage. I couldn’t just leave here there – I hardly even knew her. She could steal something valuable, go looking for me, or do something else unpredictable. This was awkward. I wish I had the courage to do something about her so I wouldn’t have this problem, but I didn’t. Then, an idea struck.
              As quick as I could, I jumped out of my bed, put on my clothes, and headed over to my gay best friend Gary’s place around two blocks away. When I knocked on his door, he answered sleepily, saying “Dude, it’s seven in the morning…”, and I responded snappily with:
               “Dude, it’s an emergency.”
                Quickly, I shaved off my long hair, picked out the most effeminate clothes that he had, and put some sunglasses on. I called 911 and when they asked “What’s your emergency?” I responded saying
            “I think there’s a squatter in my house. I stayed in my boyfriend’s place, and when I got over there this morning, my door was locked and there was a woman saying she wouldn’t leave.” When they asked me about the address, I hastily responded, and they said they would apprehend her within the hour. Shocked, my best friend looked at me and said “You must be shitting me”. It’s nothing I’d expect him to understand, that is unless he had some power bottom come into his life that completely stripped him of any power he had. I arrived at my apartment just in time to witness the large woman whose name I didn’t even catch being shipped away in the back of a police car. When she saw me, she looked at me very strangely, and kept that odd look on her face as the police questioned me. In her line of questioning, when she told them that she slept with me, they simply laughed, then, had her evaluated in a psych ward. When they asked me if I wanted to press charges, I said no, then, went to my computer where it all started. I took her off of my friends list, my email contacts, and completely deleted all of my profiles online. I have never tried online dating since then. 

That's it. I'm going to the doctor. Are you happy now god? (notice how I put a lower-case g there?)

I've been sick for the past week, and like any red-blooded American, I have absolutely refused to go to the doctor at the request of friends and coworkers...until now. I am too sick to ignore the advice again. Now to suck up my pride and make the call:

"Hi, I'd like to schedule an appointment with you guys"

"Ok sir, I just need your insurance information..."

"..."

"Sir?"

"I've given you my insurance information on three separate occasions..."

"Let me check that out sir. Oh wow, it does look like we have your information. Could you give it to me again though?"

"Umm...what parts of it do you need?"

"All of it..."

"I don't have all of it on me right now."

"Well then, all we need is the 1-800 number so we can call and verify."

"But I thought you said you need all of it?"

"No, just the 1-800 number."

"I'm confused..."

"All we need is the 1-800 number and your insurance card."

"Ok...back up. You have my insurance information, but you need my insurance information. All you need is a 1-800 number. Now all you need is a 1-800 number and my insurance card. I'm confused. What exactly do I need to make this appointment?"

"Your appointment is at 3:45."

"Umm...thank you?"

"Thank you sir. We look forward to seeing you at 3:45."

*Hangs up*

I don't know what just happened...hopefully the appointment goes better than that...

Tags: Sick Stupid

There are many circumstances in life that shape who we are. Some of these circumstances can have a large impact in shaping who we are, and others can simply change a small portion of who you feel you are. The other night made me question the type of person I am, if only because I based it off of a comment I wanted to make, but didn't. 

There was a man who scolded me for treating his friend unfairly. He exclaimed that it was okay for me to be sarcastic and mean, as long as I made an attempt to be nice and genuine with people in between - an act he claimed I shared with him. 

Instantly, I was infuriated. 

What upset me the most was that he placed a certain value on all of these 'experiences' he had with me. These experiences led him to assume a certain image of me. In essence, he felt as though he knew me well enough to suggest corrections to my behavior. He's known me for two weeks. 

If I'm still struggling to find out what kind of person I am, then I don't think that someone else can figure that out for me. Or maybe I'm just being bitchy because my new computer hasn't come in yet. Either way, I could write for hours about this incident and what it means, but I think I'd rather get some sleep first. 

Tags: Philosophy

I got a few phone calls from friends the other day, and I was absolutely stunned to hear at how long I hadn't actually spoken to them. They told me two months, I felt like it was two days. Maybe it was because I was busy? Or maybe it was because I really didn't care to check up on them? I'm pretty sure it wasn't the latter, but for whatever reason, when I go without talking to good friends for a long period of time, I usually give them a call. Why didn't I do it this time around?

I'm pretty sure I know why...

Myspace, facebook, and Twitter. Already, I receive a huge influx of information from those friends through their pages. I myself have a myspace and facebook account, but am too afraid to log onto twitter - if only for the implied narcissism at stake, and my apprehension from stating tweets in the past tense (twat anyone?).

Some of these friends have their twitter accounts synched with their facebook pages, so in essence, I recieve a double dose of what their days entailed, and how they're feeling...usually every hour on the hour. When I feel the need to talk to someone, it's usually because I want to know how they're doing. There is a certain mystery and anxiety around knowing how your friends are doing. Depending on how strong the bond you have with them is, you may want to give your friend a call once a month, once every two weeks, or once every week. But even so, the question I found myself asking was: 'is the integrity of my individual relationships compromised when people disclose too much information about themselves on social networking websites?' Invariably, I came to a 'yes' answer myself, but these two friends were isolated cases.

Now I'm not saying that these web sites are 'bad' by any means. All of them serve very practical purposes, and two of them streamline text-based email in very easy-to-understand and managable ways. When I signed up for myspace, it was to make sure I stayed connected with my friends and families. When I signed up for facebook, it was because I had an ex on there that I wanted to piss off by opting for the 'relationship' selection...though I later used it for the same reason as myspace. But now all of these sites offer status updates, something that has killed my need to know how they're doing...now, I already do.

Now, I'm sure there is some kind of compromise that can be made, and it probably involves NOT updating these sites as often as you breathe. But I'm more interested in the questions that these sites are starting to raise. I can't be the only one who has noticed the effect these services are having on my relationships, and I'm starting to wonder if the integrity of many personal relationships are being compromised by the sheer amount of information we're able to attain just a mouse click away.

Agreed? Y/N?

Tags: Myspace Facebook Twitter Awesome Not That Awesome Fun Philisophical

The God concept is by no means a novel one. Mix one part fear, with one part hope, with one part crazy and you have God! At least, that's how I've interpreted that throughout the ages.

But in reality, the concept of God today has been bastardized time and time again by humanity. The original reasons we surrendered ourselves to these seemingly mythical beings are such a far cry from where we began - why we created them is no longer a question, but what do we do with them is...

How could different civilizations all worship the same concept, but interpret that concept in such various ways? I don't completely know the answer to this question, nor will I pretend to know, but I can always offer my input on the subject matter. 

To offer my conclusion(s) first, I'll say that, in regards to the many people that worship 'God' - there is either A. No God, or B. Billions of Gods.

Now those are both two very radical ideas, and not ideas that anyone would want to digest easily, so I'll elaborate on what I'm getting at.

Take Amy for example
Amy goes to church every Sunday, Amy feels sorry for the heathens that don't attend church with her. She fears for their souls and prays for them. In her eyes, these people will burn in the flames of hell if they don't attend church with her and repent for their sinful ways - as will gays, jews, and fans of N'Sync. But Amy will go to heaven...so she thinks. 

Now Take Jeffrey 
Jeffrey goes to the same school as Amy. Jeffrey is in a punk rock band. Jeffrey plays with his band every Saturday and notices that Amy is never at any social events. He's worried about her condescending nature, and is afraid that Amy herself is in danger of burning in hell because of it. Jeffrey believes that Republicans, Prop 8 supporters, and regular viewers of Bill O'Reilly will fade into the blackness. Jeffrey is also a strong believer in God, but his method of worship is a bit different from Amy's. 

Now we have a predicament of sorts. Ultimately, the main individual who decides who gets to enjoy the spoils of heaven is God...but how can two people hold such different views of who the being is and what it believes? One could argue that they are worshipping two separate Gods. But wait, we cannot have two Gods! So if we cannot have two Gods, then there must be none. Or maybe we can stroll with the third explanation for this phenomena, and simply conclude that neither of these individuals is actually worshipping a God as much as they are worshipping their own ideals, morals, and beliefs. 

No one has met God, no one has had dinner or tea with this force, and more than likely, no one will ever be able to claim that they have ever lived through that experience. 

This leaves us with one option, an option that many are hesitant to take in terms of worship and belief systems - and that is to stop. Stop worshipping our own ideals, our own concepts of what we think is real, and open our hearts to the possibility that God may be anything and everything. It we are truly open to worshipping a God that we do not know, then we must also be open to love all of the people that that God has created. Who knows, he, she, or it, could be the same as any one of us here. 

So, judgements aside, the most important thing I would want someone to take away from this is to simply love, and allow yourself to be loved by others in return, because if you're looking for a sure ticket into the golden gates- it's going to be because your God can see that you love it for what it is, and that you can truly handle a heightened sense of being. 

Tags: God Religion Philosophy Boredom Athiest